In my twenties I accepted certain feminist principles that in retrospect really hurt me. I got these perspectives from the Internet, of course; from blogs at first but after 2011 mostly from Twitter. One in particular that I really internalized was that intent doesn’t matter.
When I first heard this formulation, it was in a post from someone describing a situation where she had been really hurt by and felt afraid of a guy she was dating. When in response he explained that he didn’t mean to hurt or scare her, she felt indignant. What he meant to do, and how he felt about her reaction, weren’t the point.
Online, once you realize you have a meme as good as intent doesn’t matter, it’s impossible not to deploy it. So I didn’t just hear it from this one person, I came to see it as the default feminist response to any defense or explanation. If your actions precipitated pain, or fear, or harm, your intent doesn’t shield you. Doing your best is only as good as the outcome. Even freak accidents are no excuse. Intent doesn’t matter. (If you want to see this principle taken to a very extreme place, read White Fragility.)
And I really believed it. As I tried to date, I kept finding myself playing a game with no legal moves. I was rooted in place in order to avoid hurting, or even making slightly uncomforable, any girl I was interested in. If she were to find me scary, or if I said something thoughtless that hurt her feelings, or if I missed a signal that she wasn’t interested, my genuine intent would be no excuse. In retrospect, this principle was toxic to me. It had useful lessons to teach me, but I also adopted it as a viewpoint so completely that it hurt me.
All this was part of a larger discourse on “toxic masculinity”. And then, as now, I see truth in the epithet. For example, children grow up around media produced for the male gaze, and they learn ugly things in the process. And I guess I believe in a “toxic femininity” too.
And, being an optimist, I also accept the inverse. Gendered energy of either the masculine or the feminine can be beautiful and healthy. I believe in the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine both. The toxicity is in the dose! Water on its own is not toxic, but consuming too much water certainly is. Open male sexual desire isn’t toxic, but consuming too much of it might be sometimes; the idea that intent doesn’t matter isn’t toxic, but deferring to it too much was to me.